If you are inspired to understand, embrace and own your shadow, to learn how to integrate yourself, then these insights will be a powerful first step in the process.
Like many people, you may believe that there is a dark or shadow side to your nature. This is due to the moral hypocrisies you may have subconsciously injected into your life, leading you to label your behaviours as either good or bad, positive or negative, light or dark. By learning to embrace all aspects of yourself, both positive and negative, light and shadow equally, instead of beating yourself up trying to meet unrealistic, one-sided expectations, you can acknowledge and honour your authentic self . You do not have to get rid of half of yourself to love yourself.
You can be whole and integrated into one being, embracing both sides, or you can be splintered and fractured into different personas, wearing masks while trying to become more like people you admire and less like people you despise. This disintegrated self lives in judgement and is run by the animal mind, by impulse and instinct. The reintegration process can help you become a more authentic, balanced, emotionally governed, fulfilled and whole individual.
Disintegration -Why?
The moral hypocrisies (and where do they come from)
Children are often encouraged from early on to be kind not cruel, generous not selfish, and to choose other ‘virtuous’ behaviours. However, the same people who encourage that behaviour often tend to behave in the opposite manner to what they are encouraging – no one can live a one-sided existence. These moral hypocrisies mostly originate from authority figures: mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers, conventions, traditions, and morals that people adopt into their life either consciously or unconsciously, with many people tending to buy into them. We then compare ourselves to the one-sided fantasy of these and beat ourselves up because we can’t consistently live up to them.
So, we end up living in a world where we try to achieve the unachievable and avoid the unavoidable, by expecting ourselves (and others) to be one-sided (nice never mean, supportive never challenging, generous never stingy, etc). We also try to get rid of behaviours we perceive to be “negative” and keep only those we perceive as being “positive”. This is
ignorant and futile.
The Buddha is claimed to have stated 'the desire for that which is unobtainable (the one side) and the desire to avoid that which is unavoidable (the other side) is the source of human suffering'. Yet, we are constantly bombarded with the expectation for us to be one-sided, the ‘moral right’, instead of realising the true perfection of the whole - the integration of both sides.
We all know with certainty that sometimes we are nice, sometimes we are mean, sometimes we are kind, sometimes we are cruel, sometimes we are positive, sometimes we are negative. Have you ever tried to convince yourself you are always nice, never cruel, always positive, never negative? You know it’s not true, and your intuition will whisper to you 'remember these times' where and when you were the opposite.
Yet, so many people spend their lives trying to get rid of half of themselves – the half they perceive as being negative, their shadow. All because they’ve never questioned the moral hypocrisies that they have adopted into their lives and realised that all behaviours serve and we are going to use all of them when needed. There is nothing we need to get rid of – it is wiser to see how it serves and integrate it as part of the whole.
So, the shadow is essentially the byproduct of moral hypocrisies. If you have a fantasy that you're supposed to be nice, then when you’re nice, you tend to be proud of yourself but if you’re mean, you will tend to feel ashamed of yourself and want hide. That desire to hide is because of social morality - you don’t want to have that so-called ‘negative’ trait and you don’t want other people to see you in that light. So it becomes the shadow.
Using the Demartini Method, we take the time to explore how whatever you think you have done that you feel so terrible about, how it has served and benefitted others and yourself. Otherwise, you may walk around carrying a sense of shame or guilt for no reason.
The opposite applies – the things you're so proud of, what are the downsides? This exploration and answering these questions will dissolve any prides, guilt or shame and help you to understand you don’t need to get rid of any part of yourself – the answers bring you to full conscious, reintegrate the disowned parts, and help you love all parts of yourself.
We assume morality is right, but it's just a social contract within our group, not necessarily universal. Universal laws you can’t violate, however human laws and moralities can easily be violated -we do it every day. What is 'right' or admired in one culture can be 'wrong' or disliked in another. You can't completely live by ideals of morality, but you can live by the universals. The Demartini Method is a study of those universal laws and principles and, using the wisdom of this, we can live according to what stands the test of time instead of the fluctuating emotions of the current cultures.
People come to me with all kinds of resentments, infatuations, prides, guilts, shames, self-deprecation, or fantasies of who they ‘should’ be. I show them how to dissolve these, bringing them back into equanimity and equity, allowing them to love themselves and others - how to integrate their perceived ‘shadow’. This leads to a more fulfilled and inspired state, enabling them to do what they love instead of what they feel obligated to do according to some moral imperative and hypocrisy.
Every action has its upsides and downsides. When you don't have to get rid of half of yourself to love yourself and you realise the magnificence of who you are, the totality of light and shadow, well this realisation is greater than any fantasy you could ever impose upon yourself of moral ‘goodness’, and when you see this, you realise you are worthy of love no matter what you've done or not done.
Re-Integration - The Journey
Integration is the process of reconciling these seemingly disparate parts of ourselves. It's about recognising that every trait we possess has been crucial in shaping our unique paths, and every behaviour has advantageous and disadvantages. Every behaviour serves a purpose, and acknowledging this can free us from the chains of self-judgment. This concept goes back to ancient philosophical debates about 'being' versus 'becoming'. Are we striving to become someone we're not, or are we fully being our true selves? Judgement and comparison can trap us in a cycle of becoming—always chasing an ideal that is not aligned with our authentic selves.
Reflective Awareness: The Path to Wholeness
True self-integration comes from the practice of reflective awareness. This involves a deep inquiry into the traits or behaviours we admire or dislike in others and despise or admire in ourselves. It's about asking ourselves pointed questions to unearth the presence of all behaviours within us.
Reflective awareness encourages us to see that the qualities we perceive as solely positive or negative in others are also within us. If we exaggerate others' attributes and minimise our own, we will fragment our self-perception. Conversely, if we look down upon someone, amplifying their flaws and inflating our virtues in response, this too fractures our perception, leading to a splintered view of both ourselves and others. When we judge someone and compare ourselves to them, putting them up on a pedestal or down in a pit, we tend to adopt different personas, masks and facades as a result. These personas and masks are not our true authentic self, and anytime we compare ourself to others, we tend to distort our perception of ourself by the law of contrast.
When we realise that nothing is missing in us, we begin to have the power to become integrated. However, when we perceive that something is missing in us and are too proud or too humble to admit what we see in others is also in us, we have a fractionated persona and are disintegrated instead of integrated. In this state, we tend to give our power away because we have allowed this misperception of them to interfere with our perception of ourself. As such, we tend to be disempowered instead of empowered.
However, when we stop judging others and ourselves, equilibrating the lopsided perceptions with quality questions, and actually love and appreciate their and our whole individual selves with all the so-called positives and negatives, we can integrate these fractionated parts into a whole. By embracing reflection, we achieve a balance—recognising that we are a complex mix of contrasting qualities. Each one provides a counterbalance, ensuring that we can respond to life’s challenges with a full set of tools, rather than just a select few that we deem acceptable as a result of moral injunctions.
The Power of Whole Being
The integration of all our parts leads to a powerful state of being. When we stop rejecting aspects of ourselves, we stop feeling fragmented. We can stand in our power, fully aligned and congruent with our highest values. This wholeness is not about reaching a state of perfection but about honouring the perfection that already exists within our complex nature.
In this light, there is the timeless wisdom of embracing duality. Like the yin and yang, each side has inherent value and, more importantly, a role to play in our development. By becoming aware of this, we can move beyond societal expectations and embrace a life of authenticity and profound fulfilment.
This journey of integration helps unify our being, contrasting starkly with the dissonance of living through fragmented personas and masks, often adopted in our efforts to emulate those we admire or to distance ourselves from those we disdain.
All the people we admire or despise are there to reveal parts of us that we have been denying. Once we discover that we possess everything we see in others, we are more likely to appreciate them as our teachers, as well as realising that nothing is missing. This is when we free ourself to experience love, appreciation, and fulfilment and when we reach that state of integration, we are most likely to experience wholeness. “Imposter syndrome" is a result of being too proud or too humble to admit what we see in others inside us and, as a result, tend to put on our facades, personas, and masks in an attempt to cover up our real nature. Our real nature is enlightened, empowered, and magnificent, but we may not see it when we are in a disintegrated state. True integration involves acknowledging all the parts disowned, transforming becoming into being, and moving from a distorted sense of reality to a state of presence where we honour our reality, our whole being, and enter the state of self-actualisation maximising our potential.
In conclusion, the journey to wholeness is not about discarding parts of ourselves but about integrating them into a coherent whole. This process not only enhances our self-acceptance but also our capacity for genuine self-love. As we learn to appreciate the full spectrum of our being, we unlock a more empowered and authentic life.
If you would love to have assistance to ask wise quality questions, to be held accountable, to integrate your parts and personas, enabling you to live with integrity, love your life, transcend judgments, and achieve fulfilment please reach out to me here.
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